I’ve gone back and forth, and then back and forth again about posting this. This is something that is very personal to me and I am extremely sensitive about. Putting it on the internet opens my husband and me up for comments and questions. I will be honest, I was and still am worried about potential rude comments. So many things can be said behind the mask of internet anonymity. But this weekend, my husband shared this video with me. It took me a day before I was even able to watch it and even then I broke down in tears. But at the end of the video, one woman’s advice was to, “Be strong, you never know who you are inspiring.” In the face of it, I am trying to be strong and hopefully inspire others.
You see, it’s something that starts with an incredible sense of hope and excitement. Then a few months pass and nothing. Maybe you start to use ovulation tests and take your basal body temperature. Maybe you start to chart when your cycles are. As the months go by it seems like everyone you know starts to celebrate their joy of becoming pregnant. And there is still the single line staring back at you each month on your pregnancy test. It’s a horrible, emotional roller coaster each month. You are happy for them. A growing life is an absolute miracle. It’s an amazing experience and you want to celebrate it with them. But a small part of you asks, Why? Why does it seem like the universe is choosing, or at least not choosing you? Why can’t we all be blessed with a little miracle growing inside us? It’s hard to keep all the hurt inside. But you also feel like you can’t share it. It seems to be right up there with religion, politics, and salary. Talking about struggles makes people uncomfortable. And once they know it, it seems to flavor your whole relationship.
It makes me feel broken. Why are some people able to get pregnant when they aren’t even trying and then there are those who try for years and cannot? Species reproduce to survive. Survival of the fittest and all that. Am I not even good enough to pass on my genes? I battle feeling like a failure on a daily basis, culminating in one day a month. It’s such a cruel joke. Some days I’ve lost all hope. Other days when I get another negative result I realize how much hope I still had because of how absolutely crushed I feel.
I can only speak to secondary infertility. I can only speak to an ‘unspecified’ diagnosis. Currently we have no idea why we had no issues becoming pregnant with our little girl almost 4 years ago and now we are struggling so much with a second child. I have learned many things during this process. I have learned what is difficult. It’s difficult to balance appointments with spending time with the child you have. It’s difficult to choose whether to pursue costly treatment not covered by insurance or to make memories with a family vacation. It’s difficult to live life in the moment with your firstborn while dreaming of a future with two. It’s difficult to feel the guilt. It’s difficult to deal with the stress it puts on your marriage. It’s difficult to ask yourself if you are being greedy because you have a beautiful, healthy girl at home and you want another. It’s difficult to deal with the questions about adoption, why I’m not pregnant yet, or the stereotypes of only children. It’s very difficult to deal with insurance companies and impersonal doctors who place no emphasis on patient care.
But I have also learned what to be grateful for. Every moment I have with my daughter I treasure. I am grateful that infertility reminded me how special each moment with your child is. I am so very grateful for a supportive husband who has worked together with me to figure out how I can go part-time next year. I am grateful for a husband who holds me when I break down in tears at random times and tries his best to understand what I am going through. I am grateful for a district that allows me to drop down to 3 days a week so I can spend more time enjoying my daughter. I am grateful for learning better advocacy skills. I am grateful for the dual perspective I have gained from becoming pregnant easily the first time and working so hard for it the second. I am grateful for the true understanding of what a miracle pregnancy and giving birth are (don’t complain to me about your backaches or swollen ankles! I will gladly remind you of the miracle you are carrying and how not everyone gets that chance). I am grateful for the means to pursue treatments and alternative medicine not available with our insurance. In honor of the video, I have chosen to share answer the questions throughout the post.
I decided to share this with you because this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you are interested to read some facts about infertility you can find them here. And don’t forget, 1 in 8 couples have difficulty getting pregnant. Odds are you know at least one. Don’t stick your foot in your mouth. It makes a hard situation that much harder when people aren’t sensitive to what others are going through. Eventually I want to share more details of what we have been going through and tips and things I have learned, but right now it’s still too raw. I hope that sharing this has made some of you feel less alone and helped you feel stronger as you go through this. For all those out there who have dealt with this in the past or are dealing with it now, my heart goes out to you!
1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.
